A Struggle For All Of Us?

*I originally wrote this post months ago, and yet I still struggle with the same issue, what's your take on this? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

I don't like challenges. Okay, except when they include things like raising the bar on my blog, whether that be in regards to design (which I have been known to change often) or content (being real in my writing without compromising my family's welfare.)

I was challenged the other day about forgiveness, or more accurately, lack of forgiveness. Ouch. Tough topic. It's amazing our capacity as humans to justify our actions. How we can judge others and not see our own inequities.

Past hurts, ongoing hurts, all bring us to this place, a place that if labelled, could be called "a safer place." In reality, it's a hardening of our hearts and the start of that ugly root of bitterness.

Is it fair for me to say we all tussle with forgiveness? I think so.

This is not a post about how to resolve this, because I don't have the answers. It is however, a reminder that forgiving another person is a universal struggle no matter where you are in your life. And not forgiving, albeit human, is not righteous.

Where You Lead, I Will Follow

The backyard.

This morning as I shared the bathroom with my 6 year old I started singing the theme song from "Gilmore Girls." (Entitled "Where You Lead, I Will Follow" sung by Carol King.) I used to sing that to her when I gave her a bath as a baby, and she recognized it right away.

Then I thought about those words and about who exactly would I follow? And what does that look like?

I've also started to ask myself some difficult questions. Like what if I pursued something I really love? What if I like so many things, I don't even know where to begin? What if it's the wrong choice? What if I fail?

I want to write something with substance, and have it read.

I want to pursue music in the church and share it some more.

I want to keep helping kids at school.

As I write this I notice the "I want" in all of them. What I want and what I'm called to do are probably two very different things. But I said I was digging deep.

The Bible study I'm in has me contemplating in the early mornings. That's really the only quiet time I have. Otherwise my day is like many other moms; work obligations, family stuff, house-moving priorities and such.

Never boring.

I caught a glimpse of the sun today, but already it's fading, hinting of rain. At this time last year, my youngest daughter brought me these from our backyard for Mother's Day:

A Mother's Day bouquet.

This year (having been hit by snow showers in May!) I don't have many flowers to look at, just a few hardy daffodils. But I guess that's okay, because in about 30 days (Lord willing) we will leave this view for a new one.

A final glimpse of this house's backyard.

Bittersweet. But following where He leads me.

What An Autistic Child Taught Me One Morning

With delusions of grandeur since I was a teenager, I never knew that the 'smallness of humanity,' as Emily, from Chatting At The Sky calls it, could possibly become a meaningful part of my life.

I wasn't aware of this as I was called to help (as a sub for a paraprofessional) with a special needs child in my kids' elementary school. I was too concerned with the discomfort of my situation. I never trained for this, all three of my children were (Lord willing) "fully functional." This wasn't my specialty, or my degree, in fact, I wasn't even sure if I was remotely gifted in this area.

Other than a need to pay the bills, I wasn't sure what lesson was in store for me. Surely, God would find me another job, one that was "easier" less "heart-breaking," more "up my alley." There had to be something else for this "jack-of-all-trades."

As I cried inwardly of the difficulties I'd endured that day, I was sure God was saying "you see, you had it so easy, now you know how good you had it." So, like a petulant child, I prayed a thankful (yet selfish) prayer, "Yes, I know now. Now please find something else for me to do."

Two days later, in the midst of clanging breakfast dishes, papers to sign and lunches to pack, I would get another call, this time to assist with a 4-year-old autistic boy.

You see in this bevy of political upset in our state with words like "cut backs" and "layoffs" looming over the people (and I speak specifically about our teachers and paraprofessionals,) it's easy for us to forget about how this may affect the families, the marriages, the children. These children, the ones who need more of our time, more of our love. Somewhere there is little boy or girl who needs a community of caring people willing to take on his or her world with eager hands.

And so, if I were to dwell on my own needs, I might miss the lesson in all of this, that there is always someone needier than my family. That there is someone with bigger issues, harder choices, seemingly insurmountable pressure. So to quote my husband, when so much is being taken away at this time (wages, benefits, jobs) "may I always seek to do what is right, sacrificing self, for the greater good."

To be continued, I'm sure...